Hello Again
It's been just over three years since I last wrote a proper blog post. This is something I enjoy doing and wanted to make a regular thing but like so many other things I just fell out of the groove with it and my inbuilt amazing skills at expert level procrastination meant that I could always find an excuse to leave it until that mythical 'tomorrow' that never comes. Except my friends, for once, tomorrow is today.
Actually it's not entirely true that it's been three years, I did write a sort of mini post last May but I didn't even bother sharing it anywhere. I think the only place I mentioned it at all was very briefly in an IG story. I was just intrigued to see if anyone actually ever checked by this place without being directly linked from social media and whatnot. Amazingly, it appears that post has had 33 views in the 8 or 9 months since I posted it so obviously someone does stop by once in a while. Thank you whoever you may be.
So, I've put my phone downstairs to try and avoid distractions, I have a pile of CD's lined up by the boombox as a writing soundtrack and I plan to try and sit here for the next couple of hours and just write. I have no plan, no structure for what I want to say. Let's just see what comes out. I can't promise that it won't just end up being a long winded waffle. It's okay though, feel free to skip read or just flip past the pictures. As ever this is more just for myself, I'm not arrogant enough to think that my life is particularly interesting to anyone else but I know that some folk like to see me talking about working processes and whatnot so take from it what you like.
Surplus to Requirements
So, as I write this in February 2025 quite a lot has changed for me over the past few months. First and foremost I was made redundant from the job I've had for the past 20 years. I've never been a career person and never been defined by my job. For me it's always just been a means to an end, something to pay the bills. I worked for the NHS in the Health Records department. My official title was 'Library Clerk' but it was nothing like working in a regular library and was more akin to a warehouse worker. It was physically demanding, I was on your feet most of the day with a lot of manual handling of piles of large folders and files from stuffed and overfull 10 foot shelving...miles of it!! I liked it, it suited me. The work was varied, I just got in, checked the rota and got on with it. I could wear an earbud in one ear so could just listen to music, podcasts, the radio etc as I worked. Have as little or much interaction with co-workers as I wanted. Everyone was friendly, there were no ridiculous targets to meet, I just knew what needed doing and there was always someone to help if needed. The supervisors and bosses were generally supportive and flexible and I liked everyone I worked with. I never felt a sense of dread about going to work and the second I signed out for the day and left the building I didn't think about it. I've seen so many people stressed about their day jobs and who take all the worries of it home with them every night, to not have any of that was priceless. When I took the job it wasn't what I was looking for and told myself I'd just do it for 6 months and look for something else, but 20 years later I was still there. Like I said, it just suited me. The pay wasn't great and it could be boring at times but those positives I mentioned before far outweighed that.
Anyway I won't got into all the details but the end of this job was a messy affair, to put it mildly things weren't handled well and after 20 years service I'd certainly have expected (and felt deserved) to be treated better. There was a lack of clear communication and very little support and if there was a textbook way to not do something I think they had it down pat. Before my contract was finally terminated at the end of September there had been months of stress and uncertainty. It really affected my health and I ended up at my local GP with anxiety for which I found myself on meds and referred for counselling. I'm not at all ashamed about seeking help and the fact that I really didn't cope well with things. As I think I've mentioned before I went through a particularly dark period of anxiety and depression about 25 years ago for which I was briefly on meds (then Cipramil, this time Sertraline, both SSRI's). Thankfully as circumstances have changed and things have settled down in the new year I'm now feeling much more grounded and in control and about to start stepping down off the meds. I appreciate once I sought some help and support it was there and has certainly helped navigate a tricky few months.
So, as of October 1st I've been officially unemployed, it wasn't until the end of December though until I was finally given the redundancy settlement that I was due. Prior to that I didn't even know if I would receive anything as they'd been particularly vague and not forthcoming as to if anyone who hadn't been redeployed would receive anything and even actively, through some particularly underhand tactics screwed a couple of ex colleagues out of theirs. So it really wasn't until January that I could finally relax, take stock and start thinking about the future. Thankfully, because of the settlement it now gives me some breathing space while I contemplate my next move.
For the first few weeks after finding myself surplus to requirements, I found it quite difficult and really felt quite untethered. I was surprised by how much I missed not just the job itself and my co-workers but the whole routine of 'going to work'. For years I'd been getting up at 6am, leaving the house at 6.30 and then biking the 25 minutes out of town to work to start at 7am. Being a creative person it's not like I'm at a loss with things to fill my time but without some form of routine I really was a bit lost at sea for a bit. Now, I try to get up early (but not 6 anymore, although my beloved cat still expects me to briefly get up and serve her breakfast then and will stand on my head and bat my face to make sure she gets it), then after a light healthy breakfast I'll go out on my bike and 'commute' back to home. I have two different 5K circular routes that I alternate between. It helps, physically and mentally to start my day like this. Then when I arrive back home 20 minutes later I consider myself at work and take myself up to my little work room. I'm lucky to have space of my own where I can work on my creative passions. Alicia works from home and has a room downstairs as her home office, I have the spare bedroom upstairs as my spot so we're not in each other's way. I have various little habit tracking charts that I've made in a particularly obsessed nerdy style that I keep tabs on my daily endeavours. I'm conscious of the fact that I used to have a physical job where I was on my feet and on the go so I can only sit at my art desk for certain periods and make sure I take regular breaks to either go for walks, do a workout or go for a run. Apart from the remnants of a horrid winter cold/flu bag I'm still dealing with I haven't felt this physically and mentally well in months.
Trying to be an artist again and the struggles with creative block
I have to say, it feels great to finally be back in the flow with artwork. However I am currently at a crossroads where I think I really need to figure out what I want to really do with that, why and for who but more of that later. Prior to this for months (years perhaps) I was trapped in the worst period of creative block that I can recall for a long, long while. It really was quite crippling. Looking back now I can see that the whole situation with the uncertainties and anxieties at my day job (which had been lurking on the horizon for a couple of years) had very much been effecting lots of other aspects of my life, including my creativity.
There had been quite a long period where I'd been consciously turning down any offers for album cover commissions. I'd found it increasingly stressful and unrewarding over the years (more of that in a separate blog I think). However, back in 2023 when Zero Again asked me to do the cover art for their first album I decided to throw caution to the wind and throw myself back into that world. Mainly this was because 1 - I'd loved their early 7"s and think they're one of the most exciting UK bands going at the moment and 2 - I'd worked with their bassist and punk writer/documentarian extraordinaire Ian Glasper many times over the years, not only for his old band Stampin' Ground but also for many covers for his old Blackfish Records label. That being said I still found it a real struggle and like often happens there came points in the process when I was trying to get the initial ideas together and working up sketches where I felt it just wasn't going to happen and wished (and contemplated) just saying I couldn't do it. But, as usual I just pushed through it and amazingly it ended up being a piece that I was really happy with and that they loved. This gave me a boost and made me think, hey, maybe I can still do this so perhaps against my better judgement I started saying yes to things again and soon had a few other projects lined up for various bands.
Unfortunately lightning didn't strike twice and I found myself right back at the bottom of that creative block crevasse. Nothing would come. Literally nothing and the more I tried to force anything the more panicked I felt. The fact that others, bands etc were now relying on me just seemed to make that creative blindness even more of a blackout. It got to the point where I realised, extremely reluctantly that for the sake of my mental health I was going to have to just remove myself from the situation. This was something I agonised over and felt extremely shitty about, I absolutely hate letting people down but the fear of just not being able to deliver what people wanted or expected and at best produce sub par work was even worse, not to mention I couldn't see how I'd even get to that point. Everything I tried to do looked like shit. So, in the end I had to just be up front and let those bands know that, despite what I'd said, no, I couldn't do their cover art and they'd have to find an alternative. At this point I'd particularly like to apologise to Orphanage Named Earth and No/Mas. I've known Wojtek from O.N.E for a few years and had designed their logo and first demo artwork, thankfully he was patient with me and understood my decision, I never heard back from No/Mas so I'm sure they were none too impressed. Zero Again also approached me to do their second album but after taking some time to consider it, I again had to decline. It would have been awesome to be able to have come up with the goods for all those amazing bands but in hindsight it was the right decision and I had to put my mental wellbeing first. Hopefully it's not a situation I'll find myself in again though as it really sucked.
So I'm doing my best to make the most of this 'not having to go to work' bonus time as it's likely not something I'll get again. Well, until I retire I guess which scarily isn't really that far away in the grand scheme but let's not dwell on such terrifying things, ha ha. I started off by throwing myself into a nice detailed watercolour pencil drawing. I figured I'd do something inside my comfort zone where I can just settle down everyday and get back into that flow of working on one piece. This is for a record cover, but it's for a project for one of my own bands so the only pressure was from myself. I wanted to do something with a particular retro reference that is relevant to the project hence dipping back into the world of Celtic knotwork, something I've not done for a few decades. I have to say I found it quite therapeutic and I think I'll do a few more pieces featuring that while I'm in the mood.
I also did a pen and ink black and white supporting illustration which will hopefully get used on accompanying merch. More on this particular project soon.
Happily back in the flow
Knotwork studies in my sketchbook.
After finishing that I was pondering what to do next and thought I should try and at least try and make a little income in this 'in-between jobs' limbo. Of late I've found that my prints barely sell and generally I don't even sell enough to cover the cost of getting the initial run of prints. With that in mind I'd been pondering on doing more 'print on demand' stuff where like my lino prints I could just print at home. I'd been thinking of doing maybe shirts or something, possibly doing some DIY screen-printing but thought maybe I'd test the water with some lino print designs on tote bags. However by the time I'd bought some blank bags, did various experiments with different fabric inks, had to buy a better roller etc I'd already spent more than I'd wanted but still felt fairly confident this would be a good seller. So I spent a couple of weeks figuring out designs, cutting new lino blocks, doing tests, printing double sided on all the bags (which was more labour intensive than I'd thought). Then it was a case of photographing, listing on my BigCartel store and sharing on social media. It's kinda funny despite the fact that it's never happened whenever I have a new print or product ready to sell I get a momentary boost of over confidence and think "hey, these are gonna fly out, maybe I didn't get enough?!!" and so it was again. So I probably shouldn't have been surprised when after 2 days of posting multiple times on Instagram and Facebook I've had a grand total of 2 orders.
Working with lino prints on tote bags.
Just to break things down, I have about 2,500 'followers' on Instagram, that number hasn't really changed much in the past bunch of years, getting new followers feels like another of those secret magical things you need to unlock. Anyway, as we all know the fucking infernal 'algorithm' means that only a small percentage of those followers are even going to get to see your post in their feeds. Out of those only a small percentage of those are either going to 'like' before scrolling past or take the time to actually read the caption/description or scroll across if there are multiple images. It seems that most of my posts get between about 100-200 likes, which I make between 4% - 8% of my followers. Then of that small percentage, only a small number of those are going to take the time to follow a link to my webstore and then of that tiny amount only some will decide to actually purchase anything. In this case 2 people, ha ha. Looking at the stats on my webstore, it's pretty much only on days where I mention it on social media that it gets any visitors otherwise I might get literally 1 or 2 visits a week. It all just feels exhausting but it's the same for everyone so I guess I should just suck it up and post more often in a cleverer way or shut the fuck up.
I do wonder if when people see my stuff on social media whether they just assume I'm selling a shit ton, making an actual living from it or some such fantasy? I also wonder if artists I follow who I assume the same of are also getting minimal to no feedback or sales? It's pretty disheartening but I also know that if you want to really make a mark and succeed in this arena then you really need to be determined, clever and work hard at it. None of which I do. I increasingly hate social media, see it as a necessary evil and would rather spend as little time on it as possible. However it's the only way I'm going to get word out of my artwork as standing outside my house shrieking through a bullhorn probably isn't going to cut it. I know there are tips and tricks to playing the game, I should be making reels, videos, multiple (and I mean multiple) constant posts, stories, paid promotions etc and if I'm not then I shouldn't really be whining about it on here. It sucks. I like making the work. I hate promoting it. I really need to drastically rethink what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, who I'm doing it for?? etc etc.
Some of the very informative Artist career guides I have. All recomended.
I've read countless books on how to make a career as a visual artist. It's not like it's some clandestine hidden knowledge. You've got to be focussed, make plans and strategies and work really, really hard at it. Do I have that focus and drive? It would appear not. Selling originals would be the best money spinner but then the last group show I was in here in Norwich, 'Limbs' I sold nothing, the group show I was part of in New York last year I sold one small drawing. However in both cases I was reluctant to even list some of the pieces and indeed some of the bigger pieces were listed as not for sale. That's another problem. I find it difficult parting with work, especially if it's quite a major piece that I've spent weeks of time invested in. I actually have a lot of my original paintings hanging around the house. I enjoy my own art. I like looking at it. It's strange as I don't find it the same with music, I really don't ever listen to releases of my own bands (does anyone?). That's not to say that I don't like the music from the bands I'm in or am not proud of it at all. I am, immensely. It's a strange one. Thinking about it most of the original art that I have sold over the last few decades has been private commissions. I think if I already know it's for someone else I don't get too personally attached to a piece.
Onwards and Upwards
I think for the moment though I just need to relax and not really think about anything too deeply. Stop worrying about making art to please or making art to sell, just make art for myself, whatever that may be and in what form I don't even know. I'm going going to go with the flow and see where I end up. In the meantime I'll probably step up my searching for something to pay the bills as I know this redundancy money will soon get swallowed up by the demands of living in the real world if I'm not careful. For now I'm hoping to just find something part time to keep things ticking over but still leave me with the free time and energy to be creative. I'm certainly not ready to just through myself back into the world of a full time day job while I don't absolutely have to. That time may well come sooner than I hope but for now I want to make the most of this breathing space I have. I'm really not sure where it's all heading but we shall see.
I think this will do for this time around. Of course now I've got into it I've thought of a bunch of other gubbins I could be waffling about but I'll save that for next time. I'm hoping to at least post once a month if not more. Famous last words (which I've said before) so I guess I shouldn't hold my breath but who knows I may yet surprise myself.
As always thanks to anyone who's taken the time out of their busy days to read my waffle and who has got this far, feel free to take a penny chew from the jar as you leave, jelly worms and twizzle sticks are the best.
Oh and before I go if you've an extra moment or three please do check out my wares that I am hawking in the webstore (link below), Please and thankyou.
