New Horizons

Hello Again

It's been just over three years since I last wrote a proper blog post. This is something I enjoy doing and wanted to make a regular thing but like so many other things I just fell out of the groove with it and my inbuilt amazing skills at expert level procrastination meant that I could always find an excuse to leave it until that mythical 'tomorrow' that never comes. Except my friends, for once, tomorrow is today.

Actually it's not entirely true that it's been three years, I did write a sort of mini post last May but I didn't even bother sharing it anywhere. I think the only place I mentioned it at all was very briefly in an IG story. I was just intrigued to see if anyone actually ever checked by this place without being directly linked from social media and whatnot. Amazingly, it appears that post has had 33 views in the 8 or 9 months since I posted it so obviously someone does stop by once in a while. Thank you whoever you may be.

So, I've put my phone downstairs to try and avoid distractions, I have a pile of CD's lined up by the boombox as a writing soundtrack and I plan to try and sit here for the next couple of hours and just write. I have no plan, no structure for what I want to say. Let's just see what comes out. I can't promise that it won't just end up being a long winded waffle. It's okay though, feel free to skip read or just flip past the pictures. As ever this is more just for myself, I'm not arrogant enough to think that my life is particularly interesting to anyone else but I know that some folk like to see me talking about working processes and whatnot so take from it what you like.

Surplus to Requirements

So, as I write this in February 2025 quite a lot has changed for me over the past few months. First and foremost I was made redundant from the job I've had for the past 20 years. I've never been a career person and never been defined by my job. For me it's always just been a means to an end, something to pay the bills. I worked for the NHS in the Health Records department. My official title was 'Library Clerk' but it was nothing like working in a regular library and was more akin to a warehouse worker. It was physically demanding, I was on your feet most of the day with a lot of manual handling of piles of large folders and files from stuffed and overfull 10 foot shelving...miles of it!! I liked it, it suited me. The work was varied, I just got in, checked the rota and got on with it. I could wear an earbud in one ear so could just listen to music, podcasts, the radio etc as I worked. Have as little or much interaction with co-workers as I wanted. Everyone was friendly, there were no ridiculous targets to meet, I just knew what needed doing and there was always someone to help if needed. The supervisors and bosses were generally supportive and flexible and I liked everyone I worked with. I never felt a sense of dread about going to work and the second I signed out for the day and left the building I didn't think about it. I've seen so many people stressed about their day jobs and who take all the worries of it home with them every night, to not have any of that was priceless. When I took the job it wasn't what I was looking for and told myself I'd just do it for 6 months and look for something else, but 20 years later I was still there. Like I said, it just suited me. The pay wasn't great and it could be boring at times but those positives I mentioned before far outweighed that.

Anyway I won't got into all the details but the end of this job was a messy affair, to put it mildly things weren't handled well and after 20 years service I'd certainly have expected (and felt deserved) to be treated better. There was a lack of clear communication and very little support and if there was a textbook way to not do something I think they had it down pat. Before my contract was finally terminated at the end of September there had been months of stress and uncertainty. It really affected my health and I ended up at my local GP with anxiety for which I found myself on meds and referred for counselling. I'm not at all ashamed about seeking help and the fact that I really didn't cope well with things. As I think I've mentioned before I went through a particularly dark period of anxiety and depression about 25 years ago for which I was briefly on meds (then Cipramil, this time Sertraline, both SSRI's). Thankfully as circumstances have changed and things have settled down in the new year I'm now feeling much more grounded and in control and about to start stepping down off the meds. I appreciate once I sought some help and support it was there and has certainly helped navigate a tricky few months.

So, as of October 1st I've been officially unemployed, it wasn't until the end of December though until I was finally given the redundancy settlement that I was due. Prior to that I didn't even know if I would receive anything as they'd been particularly vague and not forthcoming as to if anyone who hadn't been redeployed would receive anything and even actively, through some particularly underhand tactics screwed a couple of ex colleagues out of theirs. So it really wasn't until January that I could finally relax, take stock and start thinking about the future. Thankfully, because of the settlement it now gives me some breathing space while I contemplate my next move. 

For the first few weeks after finding myself surplus to requirements, I found it quite difficult and really felt quite untethered. I was surprised by how much I missed not just the job itself and my co-workers but the whole routine of 'going to work'. For years I'd been getting up at 6am, leaving the house at 6.30 and then biking the 25 minutes out of town to work to start at 7am. Being a creative person it's not like I'm at a loss with things to fill my time but without some form of routine I really was a bit lost at sea for a bit. Now, I try to get up early (but not 6 anymore, although my beloved cat still expects me to briefly get up and serve her breakfast then and will stand on my head and bat my face to make sure she gets it), then after a light healthy breakfast I'll go out on my bike and 'commute' back to home. I have two different 5K circular routes that I alternate between. It helps, physically and mentally to start my day like this. Then when I arrive back home 20 minutes later I consider myself at work and take myself up to my little work room. I'm lucky to have space of my own where I can work on my creative passions. Alicia works from home and has a room downstairs as her home office, I have the spare bedroom upstairs as my spot so we're not in each other's way. I have various little habit tracking charts that I've made in a particularly obsessed nerdy style that I keep tabs on my daily endeavours. I'm conscious of the fact that I used to have a physical job where I was on my feet and on the go so I can only sit at my art desk for certain periods and make sure I take regular breaks to either go for walks, do a workout or go for a run. Apart from the remnants of a horrid winter cold/flu bag I'm still dealing with I haven't felt this physically and mentally well in months.

Trying to be an artist again and the struggles with creative block

I have to say, it feels great to finally be back in the flow with artwork. However I am currently at a crossroads where I think I really need to figure out what I want to really do with that, why and for who but more of that later. Prior to this for months (years perhaps) I was trapped in the worst period of creative block that I can recall for a long, long while. It really was quite crippling. Looking back now I can see that the whole situation with the uncertainties and anxieties at my day job (which had been lurking on the horizon for a couple of years) had very much been effecting lots of other aspects of my life, including my creativity.

There had been quite a long period where I'd been consciously turning down any offers for album cover commissions. I'd found it increasingly stressful and unrewarding over the years (more of that in a separate blog I think). However, back in 2023 when Zero Again asked me to do the cover art for their first album I decided to throw caution to the wind and throw myself back into that world. Mainly this was because 1 - I'd loved their early 7"s and think they're one of the most exciting UK bands going at the moment and 2 - I'd worked with their bassist and punk writer/documentarian extraordinaire Ian Glasper many times over the years, not only for his old band Stampin' Ground but also for many covers for his old Blackfish Records label. That being said I still found it a real struggle and like often happens there came points in the process when I was trying to get the initial ideas together and working up sketches where I felt it just wasn't going to happen and wished (and contemplated) just saying I couldn't do it. But, as usual I just pushed through it and amazingly it ended up being a piece that I was really happy with and that they loved. This gave me a boost and made me think, hey, maybe I can still do this so perhaps against my better judgement I started saying yes to things again and soon had a few other projects lined up for various bands. 

Unfortunately lightning didn't strike twice and I found myself right back at the bottom of that creative block crevasse. Nothing would come. Literally nothing and the more I tried to force anything the more panicked I felt. The fact that others, bands etc were now relying on me just seemed to make that creative blindness even more of a blackout. It got to the point where I realised, extremely reluctantly that for the sake of my mental health I was going to have to just remove myself from the situation. This was something I agonised over and felt extremely shitty about, I absolutely hate letting people down but the fear of just not being able to deliver what people wanted or expected and at best produce sub par work was even worse, not to mention I couldn't see how I'd even get to that point. Everything I tried to do looked like shit. So, in the end I had to just be up front and let those bands know that, despite what I'd said, no, I couldn't do their cover art and they'd have to find an alternative. At this point I'd particularly like to apologise to Orphanage Named Earth and No/Mas. I've known Wojtek from O.N.E for a few years and had designed their logo and first demo artwork, thankfully he was patient with me and understood my decision, I never heard back from No/Mas so I'm sure they were none too impressed. Zero Again also approached me to do their second album but after taking some time to consider it, I again had to decline. It would have been awesome to be able to have come up with the goods for all those amazing bands but in hindsight it was the right decision and I had to put my mental wellbeing first. Hopefully it's not a situation I'll find myself in again though as it really sucked.

So I'm doing my best to make the most of this 'not having to go to work' bonus time as it's likely not something I'll get again. Well, until I retire I guess which scarily isn't really that far away in the grand scheme but let's not dwell on such terrifying things, ha ha. I started off by throwing myself into a nice detailed watercolour pencil drawing. I figured I'd do something inside my comfort zone where I can just settle down everyday and get back into that flow of working on one piece. This is for a record cover, but it's for a project for one of my own bands so the only pressure was from myself. I wanted to do something with a particular retro reference that is relevant to the project hence dipping back into the world of Celtic knotwork, something I've not done for a few decades. I have to say I found it quite therapeutic and I think I'll do a few more pieces featuring that while I'm in the mood. 

I also did a pen and ink black and white supporting illustration which will hopefully get used on accompanying merch. More on this particular project soon.

Happily back in the flow

Knotwork studies in my sketchbook.

After finishing that I was pondering what to do next and thought I should try and at least try and make a little income in this 'in-between jobs' limbo. Of late I've found that my prints barely sell and generally I don't even sell enough to cover the cost of getting the initial run of prints. With that in mind I'd been pondering on doing more 'print on demand' stuff where like my lino prints I could just print at home. I'd been thinking of doing maybe shirts or something, possibly doing some DIY screen-printing but thought maybe I'd test the water with some lino print designs on tote bags. However by the time I'd bought some blank bags, did various experiments with different fabric inks, had to buy a better roller etc I'd already spent more than I'd wanted but still felt fairly confident this would be a good seller. So I spent a couple of weeks figuring out designs, cutting new lino blocks, doing tests, printing double sided on all the bags (which was more labour intensive than I'd thought). Then it was a case of photographing, listing on my BigCartel store and sharing on social media. It's kinda funny despite the fact that it's never happened whenever I have a new print or product ready to sell I get a momentary boost of over confidence and think "hey, these are gonna fly out, maybe I didn't get enough?!!" and so it was again. So I probably shouldn't have been surprised when after 2 days of posting multiple times on Instagram and Facebook I've had a grand total of 2 orders. 

Working with lino prints on tote bags.

Just to break things down, I have about 2,500 'followers' on Instagram, that number hasn't really changed much in the past bunch of years, getting new followers feels like another of those secret magical things you need to unlock. Anyway, as we all know the fucking infernal 'algorithm' means that only a small percentage of those followers are even going to get to see your post in their feeds. Out of those only a small percentage of those are either going to 'like' before scrolling past or take the time to actually read the caption/description or scroll across if there are multiple images. It seems that most of my posts get between about 100-200 likes, which I make between 4% - 8% of my followers. Then of that small percentage, only a small number of those are going to take the time to follow a link to my webstore and then of that tiny amount only some will decide to actually purchase anything. In this case 2 people, ha ha. Looking at the stats on my webstore, it's pretty much only on days where I mention it on social media that it gets any visitors otherwise I might get literally 1 or 2 visits a week. It all just feels exhausting but it's the same for everyone so I guess I should just suck it up and post more often in a cleverer way or shut the fuck up.

I do wonder if when people see my stuff on social media whether they just assume I'm selling a shit ton, making an actual living from it or some such fantasy? I also wonder if artists I follow who I assume the same of are also getting minimal to no feedback or sales? It's pretty disheartening but I also know that if you want to really make a mark and succeed in this arena then you really need to be determined, clever and work hard at it. None of which I do. I increasingly hate social media, see it as a necessary evil and would rather spend as little time on it as possible. However it's the only way I'm going to get word out of my artwork as standing outside my house shrieking through a bullhorn probably isn't going to cut it. I know there are tips and tricks to playing the game, I should be making reels, videos, multiple (and I mean multiple) constant posts, stories, paid promotions etc and if I'm not then I shouldn't really be whining about it on here. It sucks. I like making the work. I hate promoting it. I really need to drastically rethink what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, who I'm doing it for?? etc etc. 

Some of the very informative Artist career guides I have. All recomended.

I've read countless books on how to make a career as a visual artist. It's not like it's some clandestine hidden  knowledge. You've got to be focussed, make plans and strategies and work really, really hard at it. Do I have that focus and drive? It would appear not. Selling originals would be the best money spinner but then the last group show I was in here in Norwich, 'Limbs' I sold nothing, the group show I was part of in New York last year I sold one small drawing. However in both cases I was reluctant to even list some of the pieces and indeed some of the bigger pieces were listed as not for sale. That's another problem. I find it difficult parting with work, especially if it's quite a major piece that I've spent weeks of time invested in. I actually have a lot of my original paintings hanging around the house. I enjoy my own art. I like looking at it. It's strange as I don't find it the same with music, I really don't ever listen to releases of my own bands (does anyone?). That's not to say that I don't like the music from the bands I'm in or am not proud of it at all. I am, immensely. It's a strange one. Thinking about it most of the original art that I have sold over the last few decades has been private commissions. I think if I already know it's for someone else I don't get too personally attached to a piece.

Onwards and Upwards

I think for the moment though I just need to relax and not really think about anything too deeply. Stop worrying about making art to please or making art to sell, just make art for myself, whatever that may be and in what form I don't even know. I'm going going to go with the flow and see where I end up. In the meantime I'll probably step up my searching for something to pay the bills as I know this redundancy money will soon get swallowed up by the demands of living in the real world if I'm not careful. For now I'm hoping to just find something part time to keep things ticking over but still leave me with the free time and energy to be creative. I'm certainly not ready to just through myself back into the world of a full time day job while I don't absolutely have to. That time may well come sooner than I hope but for now I want to make the most of this breathing space I have. I'm really not sure where it's all heading but we shall see. 

I think this will do for this time around. Of course now I've got into it I've thought of a bunch of other gubbins I could be waffling about but I'll save that for next time. I'm hoping to at least post once a month if not more. Famous last words (which I've said before) so I guess I shouldn't hold my breath but who knows I may yet surprise myself.

As always thanks to anyone who's taken the time out of their busy days to read my waffle and who has got this far, feel free to take a penny chew from the jar as you leave, jelly worms and twizzle sticks are the best.

Oh and before I go if you've an extra moment or three please do check out my wares that I am hawking in the webstore (link below), Please and thankyou.

https://thebonehive.bigcartel.com/

Back in the flow....at last!!

Slack von Slackerton the slacker.

Goddamn, over 4 months since the last post!! To be fair, it's been on my mind to write for weeks (months) but life seems pretty busy right now and it's just been difficult finding the right combination of time and energy, seems to always be one without the other. I do actually have plans for several long pieces, mostly regards various memories and happenings from the 80's, a la the hitching post I wrote but for now here's just a little catch up on what's afoot in my small universe.

Limbs - Group show / pop-up shop.

I've just had to delete what I'd initially written here and start again as I had started this blog post a couple of weeks before the show but now it's suddenly a month or two after....oops!!! So, instead of a progress report here's a review of the event and everything it meant in regards to finally getting my mojo back with my art.

I was just re-reading an interview I did with CAVEAT! zine from Malaysia back in 2020 about my artwork where I felt I'd been particularly negative about my working practice and inspiration at the time. One of the questions I was asked was - 

Any bands/individuals would you like to collaborate with in the future?

Not right now, to be honest I think I just need to get to a place where I'm feeling excited and energetic about my own work again. I don't feel like I'd have much to contribute to any collaborations at the moment. At the risk of repeating myself I feel like I need to step right back, reassess things. What am I trying to do? Why am I doing it? I think I need a reset before I really feel like I have anything to bring to the table, There are so many people doing so many amazing things out there right now but I don't really feel part of it.

That answer pretty much summed up how I was feeling at that time (and had been for some time). However, having been a part of the LIMBS collaboration with my friends for the past few months really gave me the boost and focus I'd needed for so long and actually feel like I can call myself a working artist again. I'd felt like a fraud for so long. At this point I really have to thank my good friend Katri for inviting me to be part of this event. The whole thing was her brainchild and she really drove the whole collaboration which really has proved to be such an important catalyst and will hopefully lead onto other exciting things. 

https://www.instagram.com/limbs_collaboration

Of course I couldn't do things the easy way. Despite being asked to be part of this at the end of February, giving me a full 8 months or so to get some new work together I didn't actually put paint to canvas until a month before the show. I had been doodling and going through ideas in sketchbooks etc but nothing was sticking, I was overthinking everything and couldn't find a focus or decide what it was that I wanted to do. Initially I had thought about a series of large charcoal drawings but I wasn't very happy with my first attempts, then I thought I'd like to make some large, loose and energetic paintings, perhaps even a set of abstract works. In the end I was still procrastinating and jumping from idea to idea without committing to anything when there was just a month to go. So I just bought a bunch of different sized canvas' and decided to just start painting with no real clear plan and just see where it took me. In the end I started by simply covering the white space with various tonal, colour experiments I'd initially explored in my sketchbooks. At this point I kept to my original brief of working fast and without too much thought. I just needed to make a start, make some marks. So I quickly had 4 paintings on the go at once. I haven't worked in this way for a very long time. Generally I'll work on one piece, one project at a time, taking it to it's conclusion until I move onto something different. It really was quite liberating to have multiple works in progress concurrently. It meant I meant I could be working on one and when I felt I wasn't sure where to go and hit any kind of block could just put it aside and work on another. I'd also decided to work in acrylic which again I hadn't done for a very long while and certainly not on canvas. I think last time I was painting on paper, card and board. 

It proved to be the most intense and productive month I have had for years, it was certainly very stressful at times but if there is such a thing as 'good stress' then this was it. As well as having multiple paintings on the go I had also decided that I wanted to make floating frames for them all. I'd never done that before so a quick YouTube tutorial was in order before I went out to but supplies. So for the last couple of weeks I was working every hour I could get, burning the midnight oil, running between the spare bedroom/makeshift studio with paintings in various states and the garage where wood was being measured, cut, glued, varnished etc. I was still finishing the actual paintings in the early hours of the day of the opening, quickly varnishing them before going to bed. I then discovered that as I'd only had time for one coat they had dried patchy so had to apply another coat first thing in the morning (you're supposed to leave at least 24 hours in-between layers) and then just hope it would be dry enough by the evenings opening event. I had to also fix the still sticky canvasses into the hastily assembled frames in the morning. It felt like I was a contestant on one of those cheesy tv reality shows where you're trying to create something against the clock. Despite everything feeling like a massive rush at the end I was pretty happy with how they had all turned out and only one of the frames was seriously wonky, not that anyone else seemed to notice (or were perhaps too polite to mention).

I don't think I've worked with that kind of intensity since I was getting everything ready for my Visual Studies degree show some 22 year ago ( I can't believe it was that long ago!!!!). Although leaving everything until just a month before meant lots of stress i think it's probably the only way I was going to do this. I wish it wasn't the case but I do tend to work best under pressure. Anyway, after all that hanging the work in the space came together miraculously easy and quickly, for us all I think. Everyone's work looked great and it was such a buzz to see how we'd all manged to pull everything together. The whole weekend was a lot of fun if quite exhausting and I definitely think we've learned a lot about what to do and not do and what we can do better if/when we do something like this again. Thanks to everyone who came down and supported us and everyone who bought work or just came for a chat.

Regarding the work itself, it had been a few years since I'd last worked on canvas in acrylic but I was surprised at how quickly I got into the groove with it and found it pretty satisfying and that things more or less went as I'd hoped with both a few mistakes but also some happy accidents along the way. Typically though the idea of loose and energetic work seemed to quickly go out of the window and I ended up working in a much tighter more controlled way, I just don't seem to be able to help myself so decided not to fight against it and just go with it. Of course some paintings worked better than others and I think if I'd started earlier and had more time there's a couple I would have worked further on and that could have been developed more. Although I have definitely been guilty of overworking paintings and drawings on many occasions so the time constraint not giving me that luxury was probably a good thing. Sometimes I really don't know when to stop and when something is finished. All in all it was a great starting point though and a medium I'm planning on continuing working with for the foreseeable future.

The pick of the bunch on a personal level was the largest of the quartet, 'Ascension', this is also the one that I had the least idea about where it was going when I started it and took a few surprising twists and turns along the way. To be honest, after I've finished a particular piece my default setting seems to generally set somewhere between indifference, disappointment and loathing. I'm rarely happy with something directly after the fact and often have to come back with a fresh eye months (or sometimes years) later to appreciate it at all, however with this painting I was actually really happy immediately, and still enjoy just looking at it, so much so that I've hung it in my front room at home. Hopefully that's a feeling I can replicate more often in work going forward.

Ascension - Acrylic on canvas 75 x 60cm

Uncomfortable scratching into the Young Mid's mind.

A few blog posts that I've had planned for a while have been prompted by old cassette recordings that I've recently digitized, for example an old Deviated Instinct practice compilation featuring recordings from late 1984 and early 1985 with short local news items recorded from the TV from the time in-between songs (Crass stylee), specifically about the doomed Norwich 'No Business as Usual' demonstration and the eviction of the Argyle Street squat, both of which happened in the early months of 1985. I remember Leggo had just bought a little hi-fi with a double cassette deck in it so that we could copy tapes and it was using this that we put this little compilation together that we sent out to a few friends and probably made it onto a few tape trader lists. I plan to stick this up on YouTube soon with accompanying posts both about the failed demo and it's aftermath, we were ALL (as in everyone) arrested following that and the court cases dragged on for months, plus my recollections from the 6 months or so living in the squat. My memory is (and sadly has always been) dreadful, if it wasn't for photographic evidence I'd barely believe I was actually around in the 80's, so scant and blurred are my recollections. Thankfully I have a few old diaries, of course I didn't write half as much as I wished I had and during the most fun and crazy times 86-89 I didn't write anything but I do have odd stuff between 82 and 85 and a snippet or two from 86 which is helping put things together a bit. I've been methodically going through them and typing up every word so that from now on I'll have a digital record. Both to remind myself and also because my writing is so fucking unreadable it will be good to finally have it all deciphered. Unfortunately of course, much of what teenaged Mid had to say was extremely cringe inducing. At times I kind of want to climb back through the pages and give my younger self a good slap. Between the diaries, the calendar pages within plus the fact that I've literally kept every single pen pal letter and general band correspondence during all the 80's I've been able to piece certain events back together in a vaguely crusty detective manner.

I used to also keep gig lists, I have lists that go from my very first gig in 1980 until a few months into 1986 when I guess I just got lazy and stopped. This drives me crazy as this was just when I started seriously travelling all over the country following bands, visiting friends and going to gigs in all manner of places as opposed to simply local gigs in the early 80's. It makes me weep to think of the literally hundreds of amazing bands I've probably completely forgotten I saw through the second half of the 80's and the entire 90's and half the 00's, I only started making a list again in 2014

I'm a fucking idiot!!! Oh well, nothing new there.

I've gotta say it's also really great to have a whole array of books detailing personal accounts from the early-mid 80's Anarcho punk scenes such as 'Not just Bits of Paper', 'And all around was Darkness' etc

I want to put things in context by writing about all the demos I was attending prior to that No Business as Usual demo that, like many smaller gatherings around the country at the time was very much inspired by the Stop the City demonstrations in London, 2 or 3 of which I had attended in 83/4 and which there is some really valuable accounts in aforementioned books as well as the book 'The Aesthetic of our Anger' which I'm also currently working through. Anyway this is all a project for next month I think.

Some of my Anarcho punk tomes.

Once more into the fray

My plan is to write at least one blog post a month this year, hopefully somewhat more focussed than this little mishmash of a post but it's good to at least wake this up again. That's alongside a million other plans and ideas that have been fighting for breathing space inside my jumbled brain. It's always like this at the beginning of a new year, I'm generally full of positivity and good intensions which invariably wane pretty quickly. I have to say that 20 days into 2022 I'm still burning bright with the creative spirit though and am trying my best to be just a little bit more organized and focussed than usual. I'll share more of my personal projects and hopes and wotnot as the year unravels.

Soundtrack to this post has mostly been LOW who I am on a massive kick with at the minute.